Having hope and not loosing it.

Hi dear Stampers. Thanks for taking the time to stop by today for a quick visit on my bog.

I made this card for a dear friend of mine. Her dad past away about 2 weeks ago. He had cancer for so many years. I hate that disease with such a passion. So many people are fighting this disease and my heart just goes out to them.

My sister Fleurine died 15 years ago in the night of September 30/October the 1st.. She was 24 at the time. For 5 years she had cancer. Those years have been the most painful years in my life. She was so athletic, fun and caring and loving to people. She truly is my hero. The way she carried herself through it all. How she fought this unfair battle of cancer.. I don't know if I could do it that way. She was so brave and strong. She did not want to die. She wanted to live, travel, marry, have kids.. just be Fleurine. I remember she told me.. You know Pauline, in my mind I am still healthy.. just my body is not the same anymore and I have such a hard time connecting to my body.. it's like 2 different people in one.. I am not sure if I translated that well enough for you to understand what she meant there.. But she still felt so alive in her 'heart / head' and then she would look at her life and see that it all was so SO wrong. It did not make any sense..

I couldn't do anything for her. How wrong is that! So frustrating.. Feeling like my help was never enough.. because it didn't take her cancer away.. I now see that support is also a real help and amazing.. but at that time.. I couldn't accept that that was the only thing I could really do for her and that for the rest I was powerless in every possible way.. I remember how she would brush my hair. She couldn't brush hers anymore, because it had all fallen out.. I cried, trying not to show her. You know, I hated every commercial on TV that was about shampoo's and beautiful hair products. I saw her looking away from the TV when these would show up.. Everything was just so painful after that cancer came into our lives. Normal wasn't normal anymore. This made me angry.. and I felt so sad for her.. But she tried to live a normal live and hide her cancer from so many people. She did not wanted to be treated differently..

Yes! I hate this cancer with such a passion. It took my sister away from me.

She loved the poem.. 'The Footprints in the sand', where it explains so well. how God carries a person through all the storms in life. Maybe you know this poem. One day I asked my sister. 'Aren't you angry at God?' She looked at me and said.. "Why.. He didn't give the cancer to me. He is the One Who is helping me to go through all of this. Why would I get angry at Him?

Last August 22nd it was my sisters birthday. She would have turned 39 years old if she would have still lived. I always find it hard to be away from my family in the Netherlands in the weeks before and after. Canada seems so far away on that day from her and of so many people I love. Nobody in Canada has ever met Fleurine, this is still so weird to me. Not my dear hubby, my kids.. MY KIDS.. they have never met my sister.. just sad.. Anyway.. We were in Fairmont on August 22nd. And in the evening, I looked outside and saw a rainbow.. A huge one. I posted some photo's I took of it. I ran outside with my camera and stood there and was so touched by Gods love for me. On the day that she died, there was also a huge rainbow in the sky! She saw it from her hospital room in Utrecht. My aunt saw it in Rotterdam, I saw it in Ede. And now I saw one on her birthday 13 years later in Fairmont, BC Canada. I felt loved and connected. Just after I felt so disconnected and alone. It is not the first time I saw a rainbow on her birthday.. So I felt really spoiled and again loved.

God has hope and life. A rainbow is such a beautiful reminder of that to me. I cannot make my trust in Him depended on my experiences in life. That is to fragile. He sees the bigger picture.. I so don't see the bigger picture. His way of thinking is probable way different from my way of thinking. He is way smarter than me. And that is good.
It doesn't mean that I don't have a lot of questions to ask Him. But then again He is so genuine and real in so many other ways. He took the pain away behind all my questions. So it is not such a force in me each day in dealing with the loss of my sister and my life without her. I now can live with not having all the answers to my questions.. For now.. :)

Anyway.. thanks for reading this. I appreciate it. This is also me.. And If you are in a situation where someone you love is sick, or someone you loved passed away.. then.. stay close to Him! I know He is sad for and with you. And please always keep the hope. Whatever that means. Hope has many faces. Having no hope in what you're going through is a very heavy load to carry. Especially on your own! So.. yeah.. Stay close to Him.. He can make a way where there seems to be no way!

A big hug, Pauline